So Sam got a new calling as Ward financial clerk. He is busy on Sunday now. I was asked to meet with the bishop Sunday after church while Sam was busy. OK no big deal. It wont take but one second for him to give me a calling and be on my way so I took all 4 kids with me. Well it turns out to be a temple recommend interview and since I have been working, but kids have been acting out a little.
Well in the middle of the interview my kids start jumping off the chairs, screaming and running in circles and start coloring on the dry erase board. I tried to ignore him and pay attention to what I was being asked but it got insane. The bishop then asked what my schedule was like during the week and I said I work 8 to 6 everyday at least 5 days a week, and most weeks 6. He said that my place is in the home and he didnt want to give me a calling right now anyway. He sent me on my way and I take my crazy children running out of the church. I go across the street, to where we live from the church, and burst into tears as we enter and yell at my children to get to the beds immediately and not to leave them till I say. That of course makes them all start to cry. I then go to my room, collapse on the floor and ball my eyes out for a good 2 hours.
I am not talking about tears slowly coming down my cheeks. I mean convulsions, throwing up and a whole box of tissues! You might be asking yourself, "Why in the world would I react in such a way?" Well let me tell you. Since I have started working, I have the guilt on me for leaving my children when they need me. I know I have to leave the house so I can provide food and the essentials to life and that is the true definition of being a good mother. Making the necessary sacrifices so my kids can have a good life. But they are unhappy, and acting out and just not doing the things I have always expected and demanded from them. Like being reverent at church. Sam is more laid back and isn't as strict about things as I am. And it definitely showed in the bishops office.
The only thing I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a good mommy. And my only fear when I grew up was to be a bad Mommy. Well my fear was finally slapped in my face in front of the Bishop on Sunday. I have never been more embarrassed than I was in the Bishops office on Sunday. It's bad enough to realize you're a bad Mommy, but even more heartbreaking when someone you respect witnesses and realizes it at the same time. I have been physically sick since. My body aches, I have had migraines and I can't eat. All my kids today said how much they loved having me around and playing with them since I didn't work due to Veterans Day. Piper cried when she went to bed cause she didn't want the day to end and for me to go back to work tomorrow. Of course, like always, I cried with her.
I am trapped between a rock and a hard place. I can't quit. We have to have the income til Sam can bring some in, but is it worth my kids pains and my heart break? I have always felt like I could be a better mother, but I have never once felt like I was a bad Mommy til yesterday and it was seriously the worst day of my life. And I have been threw some pretty bad horrible terrible things in my life. I have been up happy in Arizona, pretty much since the day we arrived. It wasn't quiet as glamours as I was hoping.
I lost my own home, my income, my freedom, my privacy, and my kids when we moved here. I pray everyday something will happen. I guess keep praying??