Most embarrassing moment ever

    So Sam got a new calling as Ward financial clerk. He is busy on Sunday now. I was asked to meet with the bishop Sunday after church while Sam was busy. OK no big deal. It wont take but one second for him to give me a calling and be on my way so I took all 4 kids with me. Well it turns out to be a temple recommend interview and since I have been working, but kids have been acting out a little.

     Well in the middle of the interview my kids start jumping off the chairs, screaming and running in circles and start coloring on the dry erase board. I tried to ignore him and pay attention to what I was being asked but it got insane. The bishop then asked what my schedule was like during the week and I said I work 8 to 6 everyday at least 5 days a week, and most weeks 6. He said that my place is in the home and he didnt want to give me a calling right now anyway.  He sent me on my way and I take my crazy children running out of the church. I go across the street, to where we live from the church, and burst into tears as we enter and yell at my children to get to the beds immediately and not to leave them till I say. That of course makes them all start to cry. I then go to my room, collapse on the floor and ball my eyes out for a good 2 hours.

      I am not talking about tears slowly coming down my cheeks. I mean convulsions, throwing up and a whole box of tissues! You might be asking yourself, "Why in the world would I react in such a way?" Well let me tell you. Since I have started working, I have the guilt on me for leaving my children when they need me. I know I have to leave the house so I can provide food and the essentials to life and that is the true definition of being a good mother. Making the necessary sacrifices so my kids can have a good life.  But they are unhappy, and acting out and just not doing the things I have always expected and demanded from them. Like being reverent at church. Sam is more laid back and isn't as strict about things as I am. And it definitely  showed in the bishops office.

       The only thing I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a good mommy. And my only fear when I grew up was to be a bad Mommy. Well my fear was finally slapped in my face in front of the Bishop on Sunday. I have never been more embarrassed than I was in the Bishops office on Sunday. It's bad enough to realize you're a bad Mommy, but even more heartbreaking when someone you respect witnesses and realizes it at the same time.  I have been physically sick since. My body aches, I have had  migraines and I can't eat. All my kids today said how much they loved having me around and playing with them since I didn't work due to Veterans Day. Piper cried when she went to bed cause she didn't want the day to end and for me to go back to work tomorrow. Of course, like always, I cried with her.

      I am trapped between a rock and a hard place. I can't quit. We have to have the income til Sam can bring some in, but is it worth my kids pains and my heart break? I have always felt like I could be a better mother, but I have never once felt like I was a bad Mommy til yesterday and it was seriously the worst day of my life. And I have been threw some pretty bad horrible terrible things in my life. I have been up happy in Arizona, pretty much since the day we arrived. It wasn't quiet as glamours as I was hoping.

      I lost my own home, my income, my freedom, my privacy, and my kids when we moved here. I pray everyday something will happen. I guess keep praying??


Aaron & Nancy said...

Nikki, this makes my heart ache for you. I know it is so hard right now, but in a few years the kids won't even remember this time. You are a great mom. Don't let a bad day get you down!

charlotte said...

Oh my goodness! I would have reacted the same way. Does the Bishop know your situation? How can children be expected to be quiet and sit still when they have already been at church for 3 hours? I hope you can feel better about yourself. It is hard but you are taking care of your family :)

Natalie said...

Remember when our husbands first started law school? I know that then, I had no idea how hard it would be once they finally were out of school. Wasn't school supposed to be the hard part? Weren't they supposed to get jobs that paid $400 per hour.;) I know I thought things would be pretty different than they are now. Nikki, you are far from being a bad mom. I think the fact that you feel so deeply about your children and your situation shows just what a wonderful mother you are. I think that any mother of small kiddos have experienced something similar to what you did in your Bishop's office, and if they haven't they will. :) Every time we move (which has been way too many times and I'm sure won't be the last), whether it is moving in with parents, an apartment, or a house. My kids always act out. I think it is their way of trying to handle the changes that have happened to them. You guys have been going through some pretty major changes and some tough times. Hang in there, I know things will get better for you guys.

Peter "Presley" kindt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kelsey said...

Nikki, one terrible awful day doesn't cancel out the wonderful years you've put in. Give yourself a break, both you and Sam are trying out new roles and dealing with new stresses.
Just kiss your babies before you put them in time out!